Resolutions

What can I say, I’m a resolution girl. As each year comes to a close I like to really think about how I want the next one to go, and then, since my birthday conveniently falls six months into the year and I just adore the symbolism of it all, I like to take some time in the summer to gauge my progress and make necessary adjustments. Sometimes I'll add a few more intentions, depending on what I’m hoping to manifest in my life throughout the rest of the year.

This is a fun ritual for me, something that has evolved immensely over the years. When I was younger, and more desperate to control my life, my resolutions would be things like: Lose ten pounds, Maintain a 4.0, Figure out what I wanna be when I grow up, oh and also solve the energy crisis. Now they're much more realistic. They allow space for growth. They are forgiving of error. They give me something to focus on without boxing me up, making me smaller than I am supposed to be. Because, call me crazy, but I like to think I’m a little bit more than ten extra pounds or perfect grades.

This year’s focus has been mainly on the big bad ego. I would not consider myself egotistical, per se, but a large part of my life has been spent overwhelmed by fear. Fear of mediocrity. Fear of greatness. Fear of being plain. Fear of being beautiful. Fear of aloneness. Fear of love. I am the quintessential wallflower, prone to allusions (and also illusions, come to think of it), conflicted with the need to go unnoticed and the desire to be known.

As I approach this halfway point I can feel a real difference. I know that I’ve grown more aware and I’ve been able to release several burdens throughout these six months of intending to do just that. I have learned to recognize a fearful thought before it presents itself as solid truth, and I’m even finding ways to turn those thoughts to something positive… and actually believe it. Although it’s going to take much more practice for this bullshitter to bullshit her way out of a fear based perception, I believe it is possible, and that is a nice little place to start.

For the remainder of the year I still intend to focus on being less of a slave to ego and more in tune to love. The neat thing about an effort like this is that the whole idea is to forgive oneself. So even if I regress a little, I just need to recognize that it’s all part of the process. Whenever that happens I quickly remind myself to look for the lesson in whatever I’m struggling with, pick myself back up, and move on. Reaching a new level of consciousness is something I’ve resolved to do throughout this year, but it’s also something I know I want to cultivate in my life for as long as I’m here to live it.

I Met My Muse on a Stormy Day

I will never forget that morning. The sun peeked through the leaves, casting abstract shadows on my arm. It was warm, but I held my coffee cup close to my face, letting the steam fill me up. I wasn’t thinking about anything except the aroma of a specialty dark roast when the thought pushed its way forward and cleared its throat obnoxiously: Write a novel.

Um, write a novel? About what? I don’t even write anything anymore…what makes you think I wanna write an entire friggin novel?

I dismissed the silly thought and went on about my day, washing dishes, weeding my flower bed, reading children’s books, watching Lifetime. But the thought was persistent. It returned to me in the shower and again when I tried to fall asleep that night. And for the next week anytime I would leave my mind unoccupied that crazy idea would return with imaginary people in tow, people that I was really starting to care a good deal about.

I began to write lives around those people, penciling in fine details of their relationships and personalities until they seemed more and more real and the idea of their realness seemed less and less crazy.

Before I knew it, a novel really did begin to emerge. And the whole thing was just so incredible, so unreal that I did what any sane, logical person would do in that situation. I told everyone I knew. Everyone. People I liked. People I didn’t like. I just kept on blabbing about this story that felt more like it was writing me than the other way around.

But then I freaked out a little. No, a lot. I deleted everything I wrote, shredded the printed manuscripts, and drank a lot of wine because I had no interest in writing a memoir and I didn’t consider myself a fiction writer, yet I was caught somewhere in between the two. Besides, there were women being trafficked all over the world and children beaten in their own homes, and if the world’s burdens weren’t enough I had my own family to tend to. I convinced myself that my art wasn’t as important to me as I thought, and since I wasn’t sure what to do I chose the easy nothing. I let that apathy linger for months and months. It all sounds so dramatic to me now, and I’m sure to you also, but it felt real to me at the time. A literary depression, if you will.

 I never could get those characters out of my head though. They had become dear to me… like godchildren, perhaps. These stories I gathered, either through my observations or imaginations, deserved to be dusted off and refinished. With enough love they could someday be appreciated by others. I had to figure out how to give them a voice. It took me a while but I eventually let go of all the crap I had attached to my craft, all of the pointless expectations and unsolicited criticisms, and I just actively wrote. That may have been the most sensible thing I’ve done since the idea manifested.

A project like this takes diligence, patience, and a unique belief in one’s art, even (and especially) when doubt seems so much more attainable. I have a vague idea of what I’ll do after this novel is complete, but as of now I just want to write. Freely. Simply. Because it makes me happy. Because this work means a lot to me. Because I have no reason not to.



On Trusting Myself

As one might expect, a second child provides many opportunities for the expectant mother to reflect back on her first pregnancy. So as I I amuse myself with the usual questions:
How did I have so much energy with the first?  
How come my skin and hair looked so awesome then and not now?
Did I seriously just eat an entire jar of Kosher Dills?  
I like to find a quiet corner in my day and think back to what it was like to be an expectant mother for the first time. I smile at the memory of how I devoured every parenting and child development book I could get my hands on because, at the time, I had no idea how little my over-achieving tendencies would serve me in the Motherland. 

The Man and I were too young, not at all ready to be adults, but we were willing to figure it out together. We knew so little except that we were crazy about each other, and as it turns out, that was more than enough fuel to get us started. We moved out of our parents’ houses and into a quiet little home on a noisy street. He worked 14 hour days. I had an evening part time position after school to help put food on the table. We worked ourselves stupid and we still struggled, but blissfully, because we believed in ourselves, and even with just us two, we were a family.

Life has quieted down some now. We take family vacations and discuss such fascinating topics as home ownership and life insurance. I have the flexibility to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, as well as a work outside of the home mom when and as long as it’s convenient for me. I also have the keen understanding that all of that could change in an instant so I try to remember to enjoy it every chance I get. My husband has a career that feeds his creative muse and gives him the opportunity to be active in our community. When he comes home from a long day at work only to look forward to a long night of paperwork, he still somehow finds time to kiss his wife and sprawl out on the living room floor to play a game of Candyland with his little girl. We are lucky. We are thankful. We are exhausted and deliriously happy (although that may just be a symptom of DVR induced sleep deprivation), and we’re learning to appreciate those extraordinary everyday moments of our hopeful lives. Oh yes, we’re still too young. We still run into struggles and we still don’t know a whole lot about being adults, but we find ways to make dreams come true despite those limitations.

I think back to the candlelit Hamburger Helper days with affection; those days when I didn’t know what kind of mother or wife I would be, when I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself to orchestrate the daily rhythms of a loving family. I still trip over those doubts on a fairly consistent basis. I overcook meals and rant about toys on the floor and unfolded laundry and having to repeat myself again and the lack of respect I imagine all that must mean. I have feelings of inadequacy because that’s just part of being human, but I’m realizing that it’s perfectly okay to just be happy with where I am- to relish in the peace of the present, or the utter chaos of it, depending on the moment. I’m growing out of that silly tendency to apologize for who I am, to whoever will listen, whether their assumptions matter to me or not. I do need to grow. Of course I do. But I don’t need to do it at a freakish rate, and I certainly don’t need my leaves to overshadow those of others in order to claim my space in the sun.

As we prepare our home for the arrival of our second child I feel an unfamiliar calm. I know that there’s no way to fully prepare, and I’m kind of okay with that. No really, I am. I take comfort in the unknown, and all of the possibilities that it has.There will be things that are crucial to my bond with this child that I had not even considered with my first. There will be several more moments in a day that test my patience, more opportunities to fail marvelously at some mundane task, and so many more chances for me to cower away from challenges. But some of the most important lessons I’ve learned through being a mother is to embrace life’s ever evolving absurdities, accept them for what they are, recognize the beauty in newfound knowledge, and understand the importance of unlearning old habits that no longer make sense in my life.      

All the Things I Already Knew

Passion is the most delicious of drugs, and it’s the only thing I’ve ever been addicted to. If I’m the right kind of angry I feel alive, exhilarated. I am inspired to make change, and I often do. But it is rarely sustainable because the passion is not a pure enough source. Something had to spark that craving, and like all cravings, it will eventually subside. I did a great many things thanks to that emotion, but I also ceased to move when I clearly knew better. That is how I know passion does not always serve me well. For the longest time I thought that fiery zeal made me who I am. I assumed I was at my strongest when that spark hit the curtains and sent me up in flames. Now I know that while it has its place in my life, it isn’t what drives me…

Oh, but love.

Such a funny little word. We all use it. I didn’t know what it meant the first time I heard it, nor the first time I said it. I didn’t even know the meaning when I looked my newborn daughter in her big bright eyes or when I married the man who, to me, is the epitome of the word. I now hear it and say it several times a day, and if you asked me what it means I still couldn’t tell you. All I know for sure is the minute we start to define love we diminish its value. We put it into words because it’s easier to make sense of that way. We give it rules and time limits, Hallmark cards, and kisses …but the more we try explaining it the less we seem to understand.

I don’t have a clue what love is. But I do know that it moves me to live deeply, to be sincere, to unburden myself with the expectations I have for the world and everyone in it. I also know that it has been there all along; I just couldn’t recognize it at first. And I know that it has been waiting, ever so patiently, for me to learn all the things I already knew, but had to find out again anyway.

it is there

We are taught to believe that the world belongs to us, and also that somehow we belong to others. We are conditioned to compete; to strive for excellence; to prove ourselves. We are rarely taught to just listen to the river that rushes beneath the earth, but I assure you it is there. If you allow yourself to be still enough you will feel the blood in your veins and you will know that it means something. Revere that knowledge, for if you can stand next to a river and not be moved then you are elsewhere, and if you can feel the life flow through your veins and still believe you are either superior or inferior to another then you are not who you say you are.  

That pulse is why I believe in the goodness of humanity. You can show me acts of kindness all day long and I will appreciate them, I promise you I will. But until I saw the wounds…until I acknowledged the rage within me, I never cared much about those pretty little bullets that need biting. Not until I bled and screamed and fought and cowered and scratched at the surface of all I couldn’t understand did I begin to recognize what they call grace.

It takes divine courage to realize and accept one’s self worth. (I am not there yet)

I Have Something to Say

We are women

We are daughters and mothers and lovers and wives

And very pleasant neighbors

Sometimes we’re simply “you know, that one bitch”.

Beautiful and plain; tragic and wise. We move mountains.

Our families expect us to be a little bit larger than life. Our feminist friends expect us to be even larger than that. The men we know joke about aprons and sandwiches.

And we’re kind of okay with all that. Sometimes.

We are graceful. We are sexy.  We are rebels.

 We are submissive. We are authoritarians.

We are not dull, except for when we are. Incidentally; only because your idea of interesting really isn’t even all that great.  

But we let you think it is because it's better for you that way

We are biologically driven to cultivate miracles and we are socially conditioned to think that that’s just not enough.

We are going to deny that previous statement and also discredit everything I say from here on out…

Because we defy gravity in ways that astound us

Because despite our painful thirst we still expect less from ourselves.

And we’re not really sure why that is.  

We ignore our hearts to follow other leads

Then rectify that discomfort by humiliating our sisters

We are the worst kind of misogynist, you see

The fruits of our desire turn bitter with neglect

We shrivel up and die, leaving behind rolling legacies; wheels to be reinvented

By other women; other daughters and mothers and lovers and wives,

Friendly neighbors with pretty gardens and prettier smiles;

We are women.

And we don’t even know what that means.

Wherein I go back and explain myself...

A couple months or so ago, I got all hyper and wrote a post on some of my experiences with raising an inquisitive daughter in this modern, sometimes superficial, often mind numbing world of constant stimulation. It’s plain to see that when I wrote the post I had a lot of questions and very few answers. I still don’t have any answers. All I can say for sure is that something just doesn’t feel right. I want my kid to have a more peaceful childhood- a more childish childhood- grounded in family traditions, imagination, and all of the silly messy goodness of being a kid. I want to encourage an awareness of the natural world around her, a deep respect for life on earth. 

I want, I want, and still I wonder.

I wonder because other parents are pretty good at leading us to doubt ourselves, and kids certainly have an interesting way of keeping us humble, don't they? In the day-to-day of it all these things can be difficult to make sense of. Some days end with me exhausted and tearful; others begin that way. But when I go to say my prayers and reflect on life in the quiet comfort of solitude I can finally let go of that fearful competitive streak. I lay aside my armor and realize that I only want my daughter to know for certain she is loved, she is important, she is a miracle; that if she governs her life by fear then she will kill herself trying not to live it; that there is no other soul on this planet quite like her and, since we are not Hindu, this earthly life is probably the only one she’s got.  

I know she won’t feel confident or secure every day of her life. I know that she has the power to break her own heart, and I know that in my fervent attempts to nurture her strengths I may end up doing more harm than good. I know all these things as both a woman and as a girl who is still trying to figure out how to be one.

Mostly, though, I know better than to pretend I understand who my daughter is more than she does. I can’t say for sure that this world is a bad place. It definitely seems that way sometimes from where I stand, but I can’t be certain it even has the balls to corrupt her. Maybe she will be a stronger woman than I give her credit for. But it is my responsibility to do what I can to prepare her for those things just in case, and the only way I know to do that is to trust my own intuition.