Resolutions

What can I say, I’m a resolution girl. As each year comes to a close I like to really think about how I want the next one to go, and then, since my birthday conveniently falls six months into the year and I just adore the symbolism of it all, I like to take some time in the summer to gauge my progress and make necessary adjustments. Sometimes I'll add a few more intentions, depending on what I’m hoping to manifest in my life throughout the rest of the year.

This is a fun ritual for me, something that has evolved immensely over the years. When I was younger, and more desperate to control my life, my resolutions would be things like: Lose ten pounds, Maintain a 4.0, Figure out what I wanna be when I grow up, oh and also solve the energy crisis. Now they're much more realistic. They allow space for growth. They are forgiving of error. They give me something to focus on without boxing me up, making me smaller than I am supposed to be. Because, call me crazy, but I like to think I’m a little bit more than ten extra pounds or perfect grades.

This year’s focus has been mainly on the big bad ego. I would not consider myself egotistical, per se, but a large part of my life has been spent overwhelmed by fear. Fear of mediocrity. Fear of greatness. Fear of being plain. Fear of being beautiful. Fear of aloneness. Fear of love. I am the quintessential wallflower, prone to allusions (and also illusions, come to think of it), conflicted with the need to go unnoticed and the desire to be known.

As I approach this halfway point I can feel a real difference. I know that I’ve grown more aware and I’ve been able to release several burdens throughout these six months of intending to do just that. I have learned to recognize a fearful thought before it presents itself as solid truth, and I’m even finding ways to turn those thoughts to something positive… and actually believe it. Although it’s going to take much more practice for this bullshitter to bullshit her way out of a fear based perception, I believe it is possible, and that is a nice little place to start.

For the remainder of the year I still intend to focus on being less of a slave to ego and more in tune to love. The neat thing about an effort like this is that the whole idea is to forgive oneself. So even if I regress a little, I just need to recognize that it’s all part of the process. Whenever that happens I quickly remind myself to look for the lesson in whatever I’m struggling with, pick myself back up, and move on. Reaching a new level of consciousness is something I’ve resolved to do throughout this year, but it’s also something I know I want to cultivate in my life for as long as I’m here to live it.